CYBER TANTRA

_{the painting i summoned skyler with}
The story is not so simple, of course. Ketamine dungeon. Yes, you read that correctly. I was trapped in a thelemic ketamine dungeon at the time. I won’t go into detail about how I recklessly transported myself to this place, but you can find the story elsewhere on this website. This webpage is specifically to detail the insane experiences I went through while creating the RIDE THE TIGER YOGA SCHOOL with my best-friend SKYLER MILLER! It begins in the KETAMINE DUNGEON…

You might be asking yourself, “Dahmer Vision… was it really a DUNGEON? And were you REALLY trapped?” No, and no. I am dramatic. A lot of the stories on this website are ENHANCED for readability (or maybe I’m just saying this so you don’t report me to the police). I don’t believe anyone is trapped anywhere. Even the prisoners in Guantanamo Bay can leave any time they want, they just have to cultivate the right magical attitude and pull themselves up by their metaphysical bootstraps. Freedom is only understood in contrast. Anyway, the ketamine dungeon…

The reason I referred to this place as a DUNGEON is because it was the home of a man that I… regrettably… was ENGAGED TO! Engagement means nothing to me of course because I don’t believe in abrahamic marriage, but it’s still embarrassing because it likely means something to YOU! He was a licensed ketamine therapist and aspiring “shaman” I’d met during my years in Grad School studying existential and transpersonal psychology. By aspiring shaman, I mean he was actively leading ketamine and mushroom ceremonies, and studying under a well-known FROG SHAMAN to lead 5meo-DMT ceremonies out of our house! The aesthetic of the house was actually really cool if I’m being honest. To this day, I LOVE wook aesthetics and I dream about making my very own WOOK DUNGEON! I loved the portraits of George Harrison, the Krishna and Radha portraits, the strange mardi-gras colors, the TOOL posters, and the ALEX GRAY paintings. I loved the big record collection I had access to at any time. I loved that - in real wook-fashion - his parents were RICH and NICE but naive enough to keep giving him money that he would spend on weird things like buying DMT vape pens, expensive health concoctions to “fix his chronic pain,” and MAGIC SPOON CEREAL (this shit is literally $10 a box lol).

One thing about me you must understand is that, as a Scorpio Moon, I have a powerful connection to nostalgia that colors everything I do. I could have had an experience where I was BEAT & TORTURED and I would still see some kind of overarching spiritual meaning in it all. This makes me a perfect candidate for Stockholm syndrome! I am the self gas-lighting QUEEN and I earned this SIDDHI through years of unintentional gas-lighting at the hands of my beloved father who carries the curse of Saturn. I’m making the dungeon sound pretty good, I know, but there is a reason why I call it a dungeon. First, he had tapestries covering all of the lights - and normally, I am into this but he loved dogs, and he had THREE OF THEM! And they shed all over the house because he was a manchild who was never taught to pick up after himself. I was frequently cleaning hair off of the carpets, doing his pile of dishes in the sink, putting away items he’d left around the house all while trying to avoid having sex with him because he was extremely sexually compulsive and grossed me out. He was a compulsive masturbator and would frequently come up behind me while I was painting or doing dishes and just put his pitiful fucking dick on my back like I’m supposed to just stop what I’m doing and pay attention to him because he needs attention or something???

The K-Shaman was also obsessed with creating an exotic polyamorous harem and I was simply not into that and this was a blessing because it was my way out of a relationship with him. Instead of continuing to trap myself further into the nightmare of being a post-modern psychedelic 50s house-wife, we decided that I’d live in the house as his new-age bestie and clean to pay my rent. His father had provided him with the house and was pretty pissed off to hear I wasn’t paying rent, so I eventually started paying him something like $400 a month. Breaking up with the K-shaman was pretty great and he took it really well. Literally, the VERY next day while I was at the gym he sent me screenshots of some girls on Tinder he liked and later that week brought back some indian chick to the house that he fucked loudly while I listened to Pink Floyd and painted in the room down the hall.

At this point in time, I’d resigned to the fact that no man would ever want to be with someone like me. I’d been told time and time again that I cared too much about my own individual pursuits to ever share space with someone for a long period of time. On top of that, I’d also been conditioned to think that men were naturally sexually compulsive, and I just could NOT deal with that! Painting and creating artwork consumed me. Outside of working at my jewish bagel shop job, I would just paint and workout. It was my very own prison cell that I voluntarily entered because I was extremely traumatized after being stalked and harassed online (another story you will find on this website - shout out Chris Barnhill of Asheville, North Carolina!) and generally mistreated by retards. I was so traumatized that I would often wake-up in the middle of the night scared that someone was entering my room! I was just happy to have a place where I wasn’t bothered, the rent was relatively cheap, and I had access to all of the psychedelics I could ever want! As much as I LOVE DRUGS, I am actually pretty conservative when it comes to taking them because I know the long-standing impact of a trip is far longer and more subterranean than people realize; HOWEVER, at this time, I was blown out my crown chakra and was doing ketamine injections that the K-Shaman gave me like every week or so. I met Skyler shortly before the K-shaman and I had officially broken up.

So, now that you understand the SETTING, I can begin to tell you about how I summoned Skyler through one of my paintings. A few weeks before I met Skyler, I started drawing this sassy & existential devil character in a cowboy hat and ended up creating an entire painting based around him. To this day, that painting remains one of my most favorite things I’ve ever created as it was the first time I was able to mix my realistic portraiture skills with my cartoon sketch-book drawing style that I kept hidden from the world. One night, while using a HIGH DOSE OF KETAMINE with the K-shaman, I managed to walk to my room and get my painting and “charge” it with my prana.

The way that art works is so fascinating. When you are a real artist, that is, when it is your dharmic purpose to be one, not just a meaningless title you’ve given yourself to describe an OCCUPATION, your entire life is in a constant state of processing experiences through the lens of creation. You are like the divine mother Smashan Tara Maa, perpetually pregnant, in excruciating discomfort but excited for the future you will give birth to. All of the paintings I’d made until that point were expressions of previous experiences locked inside of me that I needed to “get out” or externalize to understand. They were very violent, very angry, but also very funny and pure. I was purposefully painting things to send people on bad trips because that was my experience with the world thus far. To me, the world was some big nihilistic joke and my pain, as well as the pain of others was the punchline! But, these were just paintings, I never really wanted anyone to be in any sort of pain over the things I made. I titled the painting I charged that night: “Me, the Devil & the Reptilians Laughing All The Way to the Clear Light” and I can see now that it was a piece of art reaching into the future, showing me the absolutely INSANE journey that I was about to take. Art, at its most magical, is prophetic and can reach into and control the future when you’ve understood, expressed and therefore “cleared” the traumas keeping you stuck in re-manifesting your previous life.

Anyway, enough philosophical meandering… The very next week, I was scrolling through my instagram stories and stumbled across a post advertising a tantric yoga school called “RIDE THE TIGER YOGA”! I was really drawn to the black, white, and red aesthetics and the title “ride the tiger” because I was fresh in my post-white nationalist phase and equated the name of the school with Evola’s “Ride The Tiger.” I followed the school and sent a message to the admin saying something like “I love that you’re reconnecting tantra to its traditional Indo-Aryan roots!” The admin behind the page was - of course - my future lover, Skyler Miller! I spent a bit of time going through his posts and saw that he was bald, had cool black-flag and waylon jennings tattoos, and was really, really well-read. I genuinely wasn’t trying to slide into his DMs to GET WITH HIM!!! I was “ENGAGED” at the time and he had THREE CHILDREN and a WIFE!!! I thought he was like 40 or something and by that point I had enough of old ass fucking men. I was shocked when I found out he was only a year older than me, he had some timeless quality to him. He felt energetically old but he had no wrinkles on his face. Weird yogi shit.

Skyler got back to me and told me how much he liked my paintings, he thought they were punk and reminded him of The Dead Kennedys! We talked a little bit about tantra and I told him I’d really like to train. We exchanged numbers so I could speak to him about training. He told me he was paid to write college essays for a living. I thought it was funny that he was scamming the academic system considering my terrible experience with academia left me with a mountain of debt I will likely never pay off.

The following week, we had our first phone call and I was surprised by his wealth of knowledge AND his vibrant sense of humor. Up until that point, every person I’d ever met who practiced yoga had a fucking stick up their ass. This guy was cool, and he was also from Missouri and wore a cowboy hat. I liked the way he mispronounced the term “asana” as “uh-sana”. I asked him about the jewish question and he revealed to me that he too had been a white nationalist in the past and even though he didn’t identify with the term now, he was still interested in the racial differences between people, and revealed to me that he was working on a manual of correspondences between tantra and the norse magic tradition. I wanted to train with him, but I was paying the K-Shaman $400 a month for rent and did not have any money - but he really loved my art, in fact, he said it was some of the best he’d ever seen! So, we settled on an arrangement where I would help make youtube and instagram content for him and he would teach me the ways of tantric yoga!

Now, if you are someone well-versed in yoga, you know that all of the greatest Gurus have SEX SCANDALS!!! Well, Skyler Miller is no different and now I get to introduce the: EMOTIONALLY CHEATING ON MY ABRAHAMIC WIFE OF 7 YEARS saga in Ride The Tiger Yoga lore. This is, perhaps, our most straightforward and LEAST unlikeable phase, if you can believe it.

The content I was making for him was pretty amateur in hindsight, but it was a lot of fun and I’d always wanted to “produce” somebody else. I’m a trad-wife but instead of producing children I produce beautiful works of art! Every Friday, I would go to the bird sanctuary a mile from my house and walk and talk to Skyler. Our calls were anywhere from an hour to two hours long. Skyler told me he had a wife and took care of his kids while he wrote essays, but our conversations were generally impersonal - I really had no intention of pursuing him. I imagined some weird future where maybe I would send his wife and him some kind of gifts for the holidays and me and my retarded ketamine shaman fiance could be friends with them. Of course, this sort of changed when, one day, out of curiosity, went to his wife’s instagram. I’m REALLY, REALLY, REALLY NOT TRYING TO BE AN ASSHOLE OR EXAGGERATE OKAY - but I was shocked by the lack of awareness in her eyes. She truly did not look “all there,” and as I would come to find out in the very near future, she was NOT! When I saw her and tapped into her frequency, I thought to myself… Well, maybe he’s just a really nice person. And look, I say all of these things with zero shame or regret concerning the way Skyler and I got together, I don’t have to justify anything to anyone - I simply need to get across to you: this woman was not right.

I don’t really know what shifted in the energy between Skyler and I. Maybe it was because the K-shaman and I had officially broken-up and decided to be new age besties. Maybe it was because I mentioned Hank 3 on one of our phone calls, and we spent a good 30 minutes discussing country and punk music instead of tantric yoga. After this phone call, I’d actually missed a random phone call from the school his ex-wife worked at in Missouri. She had a pisces stellium so I can tell you she was definitely psychic as fuck and new immediately when the vibes shifted between Skyler and I. In another life, she could have been an ORACLE, I mean she was really THAT good, but unfortunately her soul is lost to time! So sad, ugly bitch!

I started officially practicing Kundalini yoga and decided to stop consuming any substance that would affect my practice. This meant letting go of my beloved access to ketamine! The ketamine shaman didn’t really care because he was out banging tinder indian girls, but he’d try to get me to partake or sit with him while he did ketamine injections every five nights or so. Quitting the ketamine was a crucial thing for me because I started to come out of the “crown chakra haze” that I was continuously putting myself in. I was starting to see it all from a more grounded perspective. Everyone goes fucking nuts and does weird shit on psychedelics but you can learn a lot from someone by observing them under the influence of drugs. One thing that always made me uncomfortable about him was the way he would fucking HOOT AND HOLLER while doing K. Aside from this, I found it strange that when I did ketamine alone he always convinced me to listen to his Ketamine therapy playlist he’d made for his clients, but when he did ketamine alone he could listen to whatever he wanted. These were things I was simply unable to see because I was forcing myself into a state of ungroundedness, a place where he operated quite comfortably.

He was a very ungrounded person, obviously, and he spent a lot of his time doing drugs. I mean like a lot. He was doing multiple 5-meo DMT sessions a year alongside constantly smoking weed, doing molly and K, and BEING ON FUCKING TESTOSTERONE!??!?! I realized that his desire to get everyone around him to do these drugs was coming from an inability to STAY FUCKING GROUNDED ON PLANET EARTH and it allowed him to stay in his precious WOMB where he would never have to face any uncomfortability. He had this “wrist issue” that was constantly bothering him, he had back problems - just a myriad of physical pain that was clearly a psychological cry for mommy to shove him back up into her womb. When he slept, he slept with a pregnancy pillow and had to have his feet up a certain way, it was all very performative and strange and he was obsessed with the idea that his parents believed he was malingering (he was). He could not face ANY negative feelings.

To give you some context, he was a Capricorn moon, and I am a Scorpio moon. This combination is very tough because I am very much about speaking openly about negative energies in the relationship and this guy would SPAZZ out at the mere MENTION of having to discuss something tough. He’d ALWAYS have some sort of excuse. One time, we were about to go to our HOT YOGA class, he had horrible body odor and - knowing that this was FUCKING EMBARASSING and that he would lose his shit on me- I, as calmly and gently AS FUCKING POSSIBLE, presented the idea of putting on deodorant before leaving the house. He took his shirt off and threw it at me and said “DID YOU GIVE ME A DIRTY SHIRT!?” The reason he asked this was because I did his laundry and set out his clothing. I mentioned that I did not give him a dirty shirt and that if he just put deodorant on it wouldn’t be a problem. He then went into a hysterical tirade about how I was having a “mood-swing” (he was setting the stage to call me Bipolar later) and that I was essentially telling him to get cancer because deodorant gives people cancer!!!! It escalated even more when I said I didn’t feel comfortable going with him to Hot Yoga now because of his attitude. He of course projected his inability to control his emotional reactivity onto me and said that I was always “switching” on him and he treats me like gold (he, indeed treated me like material to buy and sell), and that I’d change my mind once I got in the car, etc etc. From this point on he started doing some really weird things like accusing me of “driving recklessly” or “sleeping in too late” (he frequently slept in until 1pm) and would try to get people around us to confirm his strange theories about my mental health and behavioral patterns. One time he was sitting with my dad down stairs and I overheard him joking about how bad of a driver I was and my dad just laughed and was like “yeah, yeah, yeah.” He cornered me upstairs later and said that he was really concerned about my driving. When I pushed back against him he let me know that there was a “consensus” on this. He had no clue that I heard the entire conversation.

Being off of the ketamine was really opening my eyes to how this man had been using drugs, therapy speak, and fake compassion to control me. I find this very embarrassing, but I was very susceptible to that kind of programming at the time because I bought into the paradigm of psychology that taught me that, once you experience some sort of mental-health crisis you are forever branded and sick. There were many times in my life where I revealed stories about my depressive episodes in my late teens and early twenties to friends only to have them call me mentally-ill and accuse me of having a mental breakdown the moment I expressed any uncomfortability in our relationship. The worst case of this was the stalker incel Chris Barnhill who you can read about elsewhere on this website. I am a magnet for psychological projection, misunderstanding, and emotional neglect but this is just a karma I carry and will carry as long as traverse this god forsaken Earth! The K-Shaman was like the final boss of psychological projection, but like I said, this portion of the website is about the formation of RIDE THE TIGER YOGA and you will be able to read more about this nonsense elsewhere.

I started having these electric currents moving up and down my spine. Classic kundalini awakening type shit. This was obviously a reaction to Skyler and I’s relationship shifting to this weird liminal space where we were constantly messaging each other but not openly flirting or anything. The only thing that seemed a bit questionable to me was when he mentioned his ex-wife being terrified of his tantric practices. This period of time was CRAZY! I had this constant heat inside of my body and a giddiness like I’d never experienced before. It was genuinely very magical. I suppose the kundalini got to my head because Skyler sent me some flirtatious message randomly one night and I actually bit! I ended up sending him NON-NUDE pictures of me in my DMT wook onesie and pictures of my tattoos and we flirted with each other all night. It was sooooo fucking hot! I have always wanted to have sex with my teachers! I felt bad about it the next day thinking about the emotional impact on his ex-wife; however, before I could confront him about our conversations, I got a text from Skyler saying “my wife found our messages and asked me to choose between you and her.” I also would learn that she was an unstable, lying ass wretched pisces CUNT who deserves everything that she wrought upon herself! And that’s coming from me - takes one to KNOW ONE!

I immediately texted him and apologized for having brought chaos into his relationship and that I understood why he needed to cut off contact with me. To my shock, he actually messaged me back saying “I am leaving and getting a divorce.” The next few weeks were quite incredible and emotionally intense. Skyler and I had our first video call and he told me he loved me on the very first call! I loved his confidence because I was used to being around timid, non-chalant Nashville hipsters, but Skyler was a REAL REDNECK COWBOY which was always one of my biggest fantasies! Back when I worked at the Grand Ole Opry / Ryman Auditorium my friends and I would go out to the bars after work and I would lament about not having an HONEST & TRUE cowboy of my own! Anyway, I felt like I was on ecstasy or something, like I could literally feel the chemicals in my body moving around in my brain. We would speak constantly whenever we could. Skyler was going through a divorce which was extremely tumultuous and emotionally charged for him. Skyler moved into the basement of his house and his ex-wife threatened to kick him out if he spoke to the children outside of the 1-hour she allotted him. Apparently, Skyler knew that this would happen as she threatened to take his children numerous times over the years if he ever left. He also… *ALLEGEDLY* found out that she’d been running credit cards under his name, which is SOOOOO pisces sun, moon, & mercury coded I can’t even believe it (except I can because I’ve seen the transaction history). Skyler’s relationship with me was an anchor that gave him the power to go through what can only be described as an absolute EGO-DEATH! I was his sexy, home-wrecker fantasy guru he’d always wished he could find! Swami Homewrecker, that’s me!!!

I told the K-shaman about the entire situation with Skyler. He was actually really happy for me and said that I should try to meet Skyler as soon as possible. I think the whole situation fit into the new-age polyamorous ex-gf and roommate fantasy he had been trying to concoct. I really wanted to meet Skyler but he was over one thousand miles away and was not in the position to be paying for a flight ticket. Despite having lost money on potential cross-country romantic connections in the past, I decided to fly Skyler out to meet me at the end of the month. This turned out to be the best decision I’ve ever made!

The K-shaman seemed really excited to meet Skyler, but like I said, something in him seemed to be changing underneath the surface. One day, while I was getting laundry out of the dryer, he approached me and asked how to discern whether a woman was saying “no” to sex or just living out some fantasy of “saying no but really wanting it.” We had a short conversation and he awkwardly brought up the topic of me having sex with Skyler. He said something like “what if you meet Skyler and you guys are having a good time and you decide to have sex, how would you tell him to stop?” I thought this was a weird question for multiple reasons, but I felt like he was gauging how into Skyler I was and trying to discern if I was going to have sex with him or not – which HELLO??? WE ARE TANTRIC YOGIS, LOL??? I couldn’t wait to FUCK HIS BRAINS OUT on EVERY SURFACE IN THE KETAMINE DUNGEON!!! The ketamine shaman was going to be away at a “weed and pranayama” retreat during the first three days of Skyler’s stay so we were preparing to do some CRAZY AND OFFENSIVE STUFF! I didn’t tell the K-Shaman this, of course, I think I just brushed the question off.

Something peculiar started happening to the K-Shaman around this time. He started having bad trips! One night, during one of his usual ketamine sessions, he asked me to flip his record for him so he wouldn’t have to get up. I agreed and decided to take a shower while I waited for the record to be finished. I ended up taking a bit too long or something and bolted out of the shower in my towel to change the record, realizing that he’d been calling for me to flip it! He seemed really distressed so in my rushed state, I ended up tripping over a footstool and causing a large crash that set him off even more. He told me he was having a really uncomfortable time and wanted to listen to his new Shankar Family & Friends album. Because I COULDN’T FUCKING SEE in the DARK ASS KETAMINE DUNGEON, I think I flipped some setting on the record player that slowed the sound down because this horrific howling version of this KRISHNA SONG started playing. The K-Shaman was VISIBLY DISTURBED, but Due to all of the lights being covered in the DARK ASS KETAMINE DUNGEON, I struggled to turn off the record player for a good moment. Later that week, the K-Shaman came to me and said he was going to put the K down for a bit because he was starting to have bad trips about being suffocated.

Two days before Skyler arrived I was scheduled to take the K-Shaman to the airport so he could fly away to his rich kid - I shit you not - pranayama and weed retreat in Colorado. That morning was really irritating because he tried pushing some bullshit about my driving on me at like 4am. By this time, I was really tired of it and when he mentioned my driving I told him calmly that I wasn’t interested in hearing what he had to say about my abilities this early in the morning. He, predictably, FREAKED OUT and accused me of trying to make him “apologize for having car wreck trauma.” I ignored him the entire way while he chewed my ear off because I “needed to hear it.” I think he felt embarrassed because he later messaged me thanking me for the ride.